New Year, Same Me - Comparisons Be Damned

Happy new year dear reader. I know everyone and their mother is making resolutions and several people are taking stock and reflecting during this time of year. I figured I’d do a little reflecting as well as some commitment to self in lieu of resolutions.

This year was…well a lot. A lot of hard, a lot of wonderful, a lot of kind of everything. As I look back the main thing I struggled with this year was comparison, which actually is great when I think about struggles of past years.

I had hoped to take more pictures this past year and I sure as shit did that. I connected with wonderful people, I maintained authenticity and boundaries in such a way that I actually didn’t experience significant anxiety or rejection this year in the way that I have in previous years.

I’m really fucking proud of myself and even saying that, and then posting this and then letting people know that I wrote it and posted it is something to be proud of!

I did notice that I kept feeling behind this year. I do think some of that is a function of coming into the late part of my early career and I think some of it is more systemic than will ever be something that I can take responsibility for or action about.

But some of it is also that I am surrounded by people who are further along than I am.

Now, I actually have kind of always done this.

I made friends with teachers as far back as elementary school, each year in high school after I moved to Wisconsin (I was a sophomore) I made friends with the seniors. In my early 20’s most of my friends were in their early 30s (meaning as a approach 30 they’re hitting 40 now).

This was all well and good though I did sometimes struggle with expecting my 20 year old self with my 20 year old experience and 20 year old brain to be able to do the things my 30 year old friends were doing.

Now though, something stronger is happening.

I first noticed it in Scotland at the Doubt Yourself Do It Anyway Summit. The host, and my friend, Patrick Casale presented a timeline, showing his experience as a neurodivergent entrepreneur. He used the timeline to explore all the progress he had made and I was sat there, realizing I had been comparing myself to him, wondering why I did have his audience, his success.

Y’all, this man is a full decade older than me, with much more professional and life experience, of course he is further along in his career! I hadn’t even started a business or a public social media yet, how the absolute fuck would I have an audience?

Y’all, this man is a full decade older than me, with much more professional and life experience, of course he is further along in his career! I hadn’t even started a business or a public social media yet, how the absolute fuck would I have an audience?

I have tons of successful friends, friends who have their own practices, their own platforms, who have contributed to research and written books. They often share their success with me (such as Patrick offering me the opportunity for my first international speaking event in Greece this summer). I am in awe of the wonder around me.

Some of this awe is why I’m speaking about community building at no less than 3 conferences next year alone. Some of this awe is why I have my own business. Why I have helped people support their client’s, build their practices, why I get to offer trainings to dedicated therapists who want to work with overlooked populations! Why you’re reading this now.

But I do need to keep it at awe, to keep admiring them without expecting of myself. Or at least, expecting them of myself.

One way to do that is to reflect more often than once a year (or twice as I often reflect on my birthday as well but hell that’s in February so they’re really close together reflections).

To continually reflect especially on what I am proud of, of what I actually want!

I don’t necessarily want the lives my friends have, their versions of success are different than my own and that’s a good thing!

That’s what actually makes us great community!

So, I want to stay myself. I have worked extremely hard to get to a point where I actually feel stable in who I am, I can access self respect (I still struggle with full out self love but I am not averse to it like I used to be).

I act authentically, I hold boundaries, I build relationships and work to repair. I honor my needs.

I want to build Radical Insights, not for some "big audience” bullshit but because I want people to have access to information and tools that support my community (Black folks, queer folks, fat folks, BPD folks, auDHD folks).

I want more open, thoughtful discussion on nuanced and impactful topics. I want connection, for myself and others.

I want to continue to do my own internal work. To process instead of dissociate, to care for the parts of me that hurt the most. I want to attend to my past while I attune to my present.

I want to create, to allow what’s inside of me to flow outward into beauty. To share my creation with others and to share in their creations as well.

I want to learn, fill my own knowledge gaps, to expand my perspective, to understand others and the world more. I want to change my mind about shit I’m wrong about. I want to become more nuanced. I want to hold more dialectics.

And I want to do all those things on my own timeline. Not leaps and bounds but slow, steady progress.